relationships are hardSubscribe |
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Fri, 04/27/2007 - 17:53
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setsukijonin
Join Date: 2006-06-13 Forum Posts: 6 |
What do you do when he sits on the computer all day looking at this site and doesn't put anything into practice but is fanatical about gnosis?How do you approach your concern when he's out until 3am doing silly things with his friend and then points out everything I do wrong?What do you say to him, if he's looking to move out with me, but doesn't have a job (and won't get one), doesn't care about uni, and doesn't even put in effort to help me look?Everytime I try to talk to him, ask what's happening, he acts extremely rude, walks off or stares blankly like a zombie. It can get really frustrating, and I try so hard not to let it get to me, but at times it gets the best of me.How should I go about these things guys? He's not really living anywhere, he's frequenting between Bendigo at his Mum's place and my house here in Melb, and he wants to move out with me by ourselves, but he hates my family and doesn't want to be anywhere near them... but things like this is an opportunity. I am aware that this is my problem that I have to deal with in some way or another, but I'm stuck. (And these are just small examples!)So I finally don't know how to go about it. Any adivce?Jess. |
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Join Date: 2003-08-23
Forum Posts: 332
I'm really sorry. Hugs to you, its a terrible position to be in.
What I would do in your place, is evaluate the relationship.
Is he the right person for you? Do you love him? Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? Are you willing to put up with what he is doing and how he is behaving?
Look into all that.
Also, talk to him. Tell him exactly what he is doing and how it is affecting you and your relationship.
Gnosis is NO reason to abdicate responsibility for life and do not let him tell you that.
Open and honest communication is really a must, and hopefully, if he is serious about you and the relationship, he will see what his actions are doing to you and will pull up his socks.
There is give and take in every relationship, compromise and adjustment, so dont give up hope.
With a little bit of communication, things might change dramatically.
When I was having big problems with my husband, someone told me that boys are a bit silly, they need to be told things over and over again before they understand and they often need to be shown as well!
Keep showing him and telling him and have faith.
I really hope it works out for you, please keep us posted.
Love
a.
Join Date: 2004-11-30
Forum Posts: 2635
It's so sad to hear about your situation.
And who has a perfect relationship?
Yes, unfortunately there are not so many people who are able to have a great relationships or to hold them for a long time.
And still, the potential is there!
Personally besides offering all the tools from the Gnosticweb courses, and they are really helpful...
... I will look into those things to evaluate any relationship, and those things are certainly interrelated.
(It is really hard to look at it clearly though, be personally involved and see it unbiased, see the truth.)
They repeat mostly what Ahona has said.
LOVE -this spark between the two, feeling of deep inner attraction between each other.
SACRIFICES -ability and wish to make sacrifices for the benefit of each other.
PERSPECTIVE -seeing a future together, ability to maintain relationship all the life.
INTERNAL BALANCE -seeing how relationship helps for both lives, how well they fit together, if it creates this magical sense of WE which is better than being I and I, or not.
EXTERNAL BALANCE -finding out if this relationship works together with other spheres of life.
POTENTIAL, perspective again -while things can not work for now, looking honestly if this relationship has a real potential to improve. How soon? Will it really happen? Can I wait?
Looking into the dynamics of the situation -what couple has, what couple had and what couple can have. (or WILL likely have, if there is a work in that direction)
Then I beleive personally that if relationship is really harmful, it is important to stop it completely, once and forever, making that tough choice to be the final decision.
However, even before thinking about it, I beleive strongly that it is important to give all the chances for a partner, help him or her to understand your position, make it clear what you can accept and what you can't...
...explaining what is desired for you from this relationship, what you can give and what you are willing to give more; then what you expect, what can be changed from both sides and how it can be done (not in words but in a practical sense) and then...
...listen to the arguments of other side.
Looking not to throw a problem away for a while, but to make a mutually beneficial decision, win-win situation, whether it is possible.
Honest communication is vital.
I beleive that here it is always great to take initiative into improving of our relationships.
And sometimes we can choose to carry somebody else weight on our shoulders for a while, seeing clearly that later we will be able to walk together. That it is worth it.
Is it?
It is heavy anyway.
All the best regards for you!
I really wish you to work it out.
Vadim
Join Date: 2004-08-08
Forum Posts: 179
Yes, relationships are hard sometimes, and beautiful too.
Vadim and Ahona gave very good advice. Communication is so important, he needs to know exactly where you stand and what you need. And he obviously has some concerns, it sounds like he's very unsettled internally.
It's always difficult for me to take criticism from a partner. It's so much more comfortable to turn it around, point out the other person's faults. But even if someone is being irrational, fanatical, there is usually some truth in what they say.
The good thing is that he is interested in gnosis. There's the possibility that your correct example could get him back on track. If you can be patient, accept whatever he throws at you without reacting, try to change yourself, and in the most loving way tell him what you need, he might come around.
And if that doesn't work and you feel like he won't change, then maybe you need something else...
This exact situation happened to me with my last boyfriend, except he wasn't open to gnosis at all. I supported him for a while emotionally and financially while he bounced around, he hated my family too, was out all night, kept qutting jobs. My example wasn't enough for him to change, so I ended it.
These things are very hard to go through, but you will be so much stronger for it! And you'll either get a more solid relationship with him or you'll open yourself up to something new/better later on down the road.
Hugs!!
Dara
Join Date: 2006-06-13
Forum Posts: 6
First of all, thank you. It really is appreciated.
"When I was having big problems with my husband, someone told me that boys are a bit silly, they need to be told things over and over again before they understand and they often need to be shown as well!"
Yes Ahona! I completely agree! Maybe something to do with not wanting to lose their youth. It's strange actually he's 23 and I'm 18 but we've switched ages! But someone also told me boys may take longer to mature. I think a lot of it has to do with different life experiences. And this is definately an experience to learn from!
And maybe because in a way I am suffering over this, it could be my karma. How I deal with it and so on. Because I do acknowledge that things could be much worse, like drugs or cheating ect.
And in evaluating our relationship, we've been together for about 2 and a half years and he is into gnosis, we got into it together attending the courses. And most importantly there is love between us. I felt as if I knew him well when we first met and it is vice versa for him too he says.
I think my problem in this situation was the communication.
"Honest communication is vital."
It certainly is Vadim. I think I will have to carry his weight on my shoulders for a while, but it's worth it.
And to what Dara G stated
"To be patient, accept whatever he throws at you without reacting, try to change yourself, and in the most loving way tell him what you need, he might come around."
I will definately put that into action. As long as I stay open and direct.
Thank you so much Ahona, Vadim and Dara G.
Jess
Join Date: 2003-08-23
Forum Posts: 332
Relationships are very hard, but also wonderful!
a.
Join Date: 2006-03-27
Forum Posts: 268
Just wanted to say that I wish you all the best!
I acted like your boyfriend for a time, very underminingly and imaturely to my girlfriend who was really relying on me. I wrecked it because I was preoccupied with an idea of doing gnosis and became terribly fanatical and then fell into despair when things started to get difficult. I really leant on them and fell apart at a time when they needed me. In hindsight I wrecked things for her and I because I spent so much time in fanaticism talking about gnosis instead of just doing the work and letting it speak for itself. I certainly tarnished what gnosis is about for them with how I acted.
Lead by example, lead by action, lead by being practical and being a source of serenity and strength.
Much strength and courage Jess,
Willow
Join Date: 2004-11-30
Forum Posts: 2635
Agree so much with you Willo!
Do your part in relationship the best you can...and everything should become fine, in one way or another!
Then your partner will have somebody to rely on, the light of guidance and strength, relationship can become like a ship, going to that light over all the hardships and joys.
All the best with it, everyone!
Join Date: 2007-07-24
Forum Posts: 415
James N. Chambers, Jr.
OH DEAR
I sympathize with what you are going through, and I don't know of a good solution. I know of so many situations in which one partner points out the faults of the other but never seems to look inside one's own self. Gee, I don't know the answer, but I suppose seeking wisdom regarding this situation will surely give you a leading.
Join Date: 2003-10-15
Forum Posts: 96
oh no he dint! oh no he dint! mmm mmm mmm!
girlfren! girlfren! lemme tell you sum'in fo real dough, fo real...
you need to dump that zero and get yoself a hero! mmm mm mm!
Seriously though, what can you do? You can't really tell him he's a fanatic without raising his defenses.
Honestly, I don't think there's any other way apart from a lot of straightforward heart-to-heart discussions and a whole lot more give and take, but that's what relationships are all about.
You talk and you talk and you talk, and then maybe, one day, far off in the future, when the planets are aligned just so, with all the stars in their places, ears sufficiently waxed, stomachs satisfied, shoes tied... well, maybe, just maybe, it is possible, and perhaps even likely, that you will decide to agree... to disagree. :)
It's hard to change others, but we can at least learn something about ourselves through their behavior. Like some saint said, when God wants to teach you about patience, he puts a really impatient person in your life. Wants you to learn about money management? Pairs you up with a financial wreck.
Join Date: 2004-11-30
Forum Posts: 2635
"It's hard to change others, but we can at least learn something about ourselves through their behavior. Like some saint said, when God wants to teach you about patience, he puts a really impatient person in your life. Wants you to learn about money management? Pairs you up with a financial wreck."
So true, Denny!
When we feel ourselves unhappy, miserable, angry at people close to us, it is very probable that we try to resist the very precious lesson have been given to us.
An opportunity to learn and to grow.