On the verge of tears..
On the verge of tears..Subscribe |
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Tue, 11/18/2008 - 11:53
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thedole
Join Date: 2008-10-21 Forum Posts: 29 |
I just read beelzebubs story on his website great inspiration but also something that triggers alot of sadness inside of me. I find it troubling how much negativity and hipocracy he has had to endure from the very same people he has helped along the path, and from others supposed to be helping people along the path. I find it puzzling how people with a sincere wish to evolve and transform themselves can sink to such depths. I guess I have only heard one part of the story and since I neither was there nor know any of the persons involved I am wrong to come to the conclusion that he was a victim of great injustice. But wether he was doing anything to provoke this behaviour or not seems irrelevant as the behaviour taken against him seems to come from pride and other low emotions and would not be right in any circumstance. This in part is what sadens me, the other is this.. I feel so weak here I stand looking at this path of spirituality ahead of me. I feel like I'm standing barefeet in bermuda shorts about to climb the Mount Everest. Actually as I write that I don't find it a fitting picture anymore as I find myself being able to conjure more faith that such a feat is feasable then the one of developing myself spiritually. My egos are so strong and they are limitless in numbers, my conciousness is bound and gagged as I have used all my powers to suppress it so far in life in a poor attempt to integrate into society. Any little hint of femininity triggers immense lust inside of me and every thought of trying to be true to myself engulfs me in a fear ridden depression. Lazyness, fear and anxiety inside of me has formed an alliance focusing on their common goal of paralyzing my ability to do anything productive in both the physical and the spiritual sense. The slightest bit of positive action requires immense effort to go from thought into action. The challenges within are mirrored by challenges without, all these things I know with my intellect I should not worry of as they aren't real problems but only a produce of the egos. But they are very real in the society I am expected to be a part of. I'm not living in a monastery in a far away mountain, I am living in a society where spiritual ideals are not the rules by wich people are judged. And I'm not living in isolation, not only my life is dependant on my actions but also the lives of those nearest and dearest to me. How can I do something to promote me spiritually if it causes (ego based) harm to others. It might be the best for their spiritual growth also but they will probably not see that easily if my actions cause them earthbound grief and they themselves have no interest in the path. Part of me want to part with my current life and start anew as if I was reborn and given a second chance. But I guess that would just be avoiding to learn the lesson that has been sent to me only to find another incarnation of it further down the road. People I feel are holding me back are probably there to give me a chance to grow to another level. The lesson I am to learn may be that of putting my path ahead of the concern for others. I've always been one to put others needs ahead of my own and know this is something I need to work on. I think the base fear that is making me sad is a fear of spending my entire life trying to get somewhere spiritually and still get nowhere, and forsake all the lesser earthly pleasures in the process. This fear is making my practices inconsistent and half hearted thus making it a self fulfilling prophecy.. Sometimes I envy those who have no aspirations of evolving, those who find pleasures in conforming to the rules of society. Those who measure success purely based on numbers on a bank account or how physically attractive they are to persons of the opposite sex that are governed by lust. For I find myself in the middle ground, I find myself craving for both and I have a hard time letting either of them go. I don't have so high aspirations for my bank account I don't want to be the next Donald Trump, but I'd like to be free of debt and not have to constantly worry if I'm able to pay my rent next month.
I think it is time to stop now, I just needed to get some of this off my chest... |
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Join Date: 2004-10-06
Forum Posts: 151
Hi Dag ole,
Hang in there, that is what i say to myself when it gets really hard my friend i also try to keep it simple and just keep at the practices, i would also suggest some prayer to the divine mother and father i find it very helpful,if you can get a century plant they are a great help also. Hope this helps Dag ole.
David.
Join Date: 2008-08-26
Forum Posts: 107
Hi thedole
What I want to say to you is .. Balance...
when you go so deep into seeing your egos and your weaknesses you have to pause and turn your eyes up to look at your innocence, your beauty and light for as much and as long as you have looked down the darkness of your selves. You cannot do one without the other, and I think so many students dive in trying to see their dark selves wanting to excavating them without taking the pause to gain their strength back by looking at their essence and their purity.
So if for one whole day you have been whipping yourself and analyzing your selves for your lust and it brings you to the point where you dont know what to do then allow the next whole day to give that a break and turn your eyes to the beauty in you and retrospect on how far you have come
Im not saying give your work on your egos a break so you can be lazy and let more egos in but that you should fix your focus on what you have already done so far to give thanks for that and appreciate the beauty in you so it can re energize you and give you the strength to go back the next day or week to work on the egos that are battling you.
Thats just my current take on it :)
B
~In beautiful ways we are the blossom of the evolved and the experience of evolving~
Join Date: 2006-07-09
Forum Posts: 123
Dear thedole,
Firstly, thank you for being so open and honest. It is clear that you are seeking help and that you find yourself in a pit at the moment.
As David says, when faced with these difficult times it is really important to focus on the basics of this knowledge, awareness, self observation, etc. This will enable you to get out of that negative state that has taken a firm hold on you.
You need to sincerely beg to your diving parents for the strength and will required to come out of this and to see that you can go forward, one step at a time and that you will gain the understanding you need to act and be in each situation.
Remember that the mind plays tricks on us and it confuses us, egos use it to stop us from advancing. Always keep this in mind.
I wish you all the strenght that you need at this time.
This is not the time to give up or give in. Now is the time to fight, fight, fight.
All the best to you.
sincerely,
Patricia
Join Date: 2008-02-02
Forum Posts: 368
thedole -
i am in EXACTLY the same situation as you.
i stand in the middle ground.. always have, i know how modern civilization is built in a way as if you don't support it, you cannot live in it, but if you live in it, you can not support your spiritual value.
but..
if your in the middle, are your apart of this, or apart of that? (rhetorical)
you'd never know, its like deciding wether you want to jump into water, without knowing what's underneath, your a bit "iffy" of the possible consequences.
but the truth is, when it comes to spirituality, you can Always be walking on its paths, its just a matter of which path, the paths always head to one direction, just different routes.
the truth is, we CAN do the spiritual work here, its just a matter of wether your perception is open to that,
egos blind us from seeing our own ability, in THIS reality.
you can only learn from experience, if there is something you do not know, then experience it, to understand it.
whats the point of living life, without experiencing anything?
a book can never let you know what is good or what is not, only experience can.
if you are Here in this type of world, then ask your self, what are you going to do, to salvage your very essence in this harsh place?
Join Date: 2005-01-24
Forum Posts: 666
I would add to what Lumin Air has said that what could be of help is to focus not only on the beauty within you but also the love the resides in your heart, the part of your real you and everyone else.
Much streangth and all the best!!
Join Date: 2008-03-18
Forum Posts: 326
Mr. Dole, if you were truly incapable of doing the spiritual work, then you would likely not be here. Obviously you have the will and intent to do it, and to better yourself. You have already made it further than most people by knowing and acknowledging the defects within yourself and humanity.
I wish I could give words of advice, but I am not so good at that, even though I can relate 99% to what you're saying. So... ummm... hang in there =/
Join Date: 2008-10-21
Forum Posts: 29
First of all thank you all for the kind words and support, every single word from each and every one of you are appreciated. I had mixed feelings about putting this out for the world to see. Part of me didn't want to present myself like a whiny sobbing kid, part of me needed to externalise these feelings. To put them out there and make them real instead of sugarcoating things. And I feel now it was the right thing to do. First because the act of externalising and acknowledging it like this in itself released some blocks in me. Second because the kind and supportive words from all of you negated my fears of getting negative feedback like "quit whining" or stuff like that.
Like Patricia said I do find myself in a pit but part of me haven't wanted to acknowledge it properly before even if my intellect has known for ages.
What Lumin Air and Nadya says really was something I needed to hear. So simple and obvious as it sounds it really is something I have neglected and something I surely will implement to the best of my abilities. I've spent years digging for the negative aspects of myself searching for what has been holding me back. I've only spent occasional moments looking for the beauty of who I already am and what I already have accomplished. It is somehow easier to dig for dirt then to dig for gold..
jahfonde, it's nice to hear that you also can identify with this conundrum. I guess most people walking the path probably can to some extent. I know it's not an either/or situation, this is not how I base my everyday thinking but more the darkness that is lurking in the shadows of my mind.
My heartfelt best wishes goes back to all of you on your own paths! :)
Join Date: 2004-05-28
Forum Posts: 1009
The two greatest pieces of advice I've gotten, yet the hardest to put into practice:
Don't worry.
Don't dwell on things.
Join Date: 2008-10-21
Forum Posts: 29
So true Jim, the best advices can be very simple. But simplicity can be incredibly hard to put into practice.. Like "just relax", when your clenched up with tension in every fiber of your being that really is all you need to do. BUT, though the action in and of itself is as easy as it gets, actually doing it can feel impossible.
Join Date: 2008-09-20
Forum Posts: 2
Hello thedole,
It's those very things that burden and weigh us down that we can overcome, but only if we put our heart into it and go for it. The middle ground is the most painful place to be in, as we neither get pleasure from the things we used to, but have no peace and joy either. If we make up our mind to do this spiritual work, and make sincere efforts, we have some strength against those feelings of hopelessness and despair.
Others may not accept our choices, but as long as we do the best we can and act with care, then changing spiritually will allow us to love and care for others in a much better way.
I wish you all the very best.
Sabah