Work in Progress_Aug152008

My name is Michael and this is my blog. I'm 28 years old, married and live in the San Francisco Bay Area (USA). I've been working with the teachings of gnosis for the past 6 years. I've decided to use this outlet of the blog to not only try to improve a sense of community here at Gnosticweb, but as a way to reflect, as a way to achieve deeper honesty with myself and others, as a way to "keep my eyes on the prize", and as a way to test my integrity by posting these little progress reports regularly.

Rediscovering Nature

After quite a busy week of computer work and trying to meet some deadlines, I was feeling run down and quite miserable when the weekend finally came. When pain finally made me come to my senses, I knew where I had gone wrong. I realized that I didn't do so well with staying detached from my work by watching for my tendency to exaggerate the importance of the tasks I was doing, thus causing me to justify my fascination with them and also to react with an emotionally-draining frustration when something didn't go as I planned. Yes, another run in with this ego trap; "I've got to get this taken care of" I thought. But I knew it was of no use to dwell on these things and that I just needed to pick up the pieces by resuming my investigation on how to self observe correctly and naturally. After watching one of Belzebuub's videos ( http://www.belzebuub.com/movies ), I've had a suspicion that even after 6 years of being here, I may not yet have the gist of self-observation - which is probably the single most important thing to get right in my opinion.

My wife had suggested that we go for a walk out in Joaquin Miller Park. I welcomed the change in atmosphere, especially since I knew that such natural surroundings seem to help our efforts to reach a better inner state. So off we went.

We took one of my favorite trails; the one that goes up the side of a mountain allowing you to see into a lush green valley of pines, redwoods, and whatever other trees grow out there (hey, I'm no naturist). Along the way, we'd cross through various parts of warm sunny areas that seemed to invigorate the scents of the flowers, berry bushes and tree saps, creating this great aroma that really livened all of my senses. It was interesting for me to notice how this effect would disappear as soon as I walked into a shaded area. It seemed like a natural metaphor of what happens when we are profoundly conscious versus when we aren't so conscious (as when daydreaming and/or doing things mechanically or impulsively).

I didn't just spend the whole walk trying to keep my mind silent and my senses awake, but at times I would ponder on 'higher things'. I took the time to reconnect with what I believe to be my purpose in life; something which had gotten cloudy throughout the week due to my getting so fascinated in my urgent but ultimately unimportant tasks. I've been realizing again and again by making this mistake of getting so fascinated with them again and again, that my tasks, even though they might be for a good cause, are ultimately unimportant if I'm neglecting myself within them. I think that while I do my various tasks, if I have my inner work as the first priority, then perhaps the quality and efficiency of my tasks would increase as a result. I'll have to remember to test this more often (well...now is a better time as any!).

While pondering, I also realized that I had been forgetting the divine as I drifted into my low states during the week. Through gnosis, I've come to understand that I am really nothing without the divine. Without the divine, I can only live chasing various meaningless pleasures while running from the inevitable pains only to die not really knowing what's next. But as I develop a relationship with the divine within through living the teachings of gnosis, I've seen how my understanding of life grows and through this understanding, I know that there is a much brighter future for me than without it. During that walk, I apologized for my mistakes and prayed for that real and tangible connection to be restored. Due to the humiliation of defeat and the pain of that misery I had fallen into before, I was able to reach a level of sincerity within myself that enabled me to really feel a strong connection with the divine again. It was the kind of state in which when I asked for strength, I felt it arrive in a soothing, yet invigorating wave of power that brightened my senses before I had even finished asking. I did my best to keep that connection alive for as long as I could so that I could face the obstacles that I knew I’d face in the coming week with more understanding and determination.

I mentioned that I felt very sincere in my asking and thus, felt the result. I had often wondered why it is that even though I may think I'm being sincere with myself, I didn't always feel that strong connection with the divine or that I was even being heard. I'm realizing that the times when I'm really sincere are only after times of greater pain and suffering. When I'm comfortable, it seems like I'm in a fog made up of that comfort that keeps me from seeing things clearly. Since I'm not seeing clearly, then perhaps when I pray in those times, I'm not addressing the real or most important matter at hand - sort of like when someone asks you a completely ridiculous question (one that they themselves could answer by just openning their eyes!).

I'm sure the divine beings have rolled their eyes at my requests many times over....

Thanks,
Michael

PS. I'll try to start taking pictures and possibly embed some videos here and there (can anyone tell me how to do that by the way?) to make these blogs a bit more visually appealing. I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless! Until next time!