Fear beyond logic

Hi Kassandra,

Hope you'll feel yourself better soon!
I am so sorry to hear it from you...it was sad to read about your experiences.

Just a few simple things I can say, hopefully they will help!

"I found an underlying ego there and i try hard to stop it. The harder i try the stronger it gets."

If you know the technique from Gnostic Wisdom course, it is really the key. Just hit ego repeatedly, put your heart in it, your intention. Keep going until it will disappear.

"I chose instead of analyzing my dreams to analyze a negative entity that i saw" "The only certain thing is that when i finished the exercise i felt sick. It "

The best thing to do with negative entities, in my opinion, is to simply dispel them with recitations and then...just forget about meeting them. Then, if it happens to meet them again, well, it means another chance to have fun with recitations.
Their biggest weapon is our fears and ignorance of our strength, but actually, meetings with them can teach us so many things, because they can indicate us our weak points to work on.

" When i started i felt happy, now i feel like i am loosing my mind. A day of great joy is always followed by a day of remorse, shame and fear. And when i am not afraid for my self, it gets worse. I am afraid for others, i feel that if i keep going there i will end up hurting someone, make them feel so negative as i do, and i don't want to do this. They look so calm. I don't want them to end up like me."

We all have our hard times, sometimes things get very hard and challenging. These are the times of a great opportunities for fantastic rewards. What is important here, is to keep fighting through difficulties, learn about precise nature of any personal obstacles, whatever they are, and for "a tragedy find a strategy" , like Akiane Kramarik puts it.

Wish you all the best and much strength!

Vadim

Hi Vadim.

I know the technique from Gnostic Wisdom course, but it seems that this ego is to strong. Maybe i expect too much too soon.
As for the way i feel, as i said, its fear beyond any logic. There is no reason for me to feel like that. I can't understand it. But especially since yesterday i can only feel cold, weak, darkness and despair, for no reason. My chest hurts, my hart beats irregularly and i can't breathe properly. But i don't see any obstacle to overcome. The past few months my life gets from good to better. I felt as if i had a guardian angel helping me. Good things happened to me out of the blue. There is nothing wrong with my life and all the problems i had last year miraculously lifted. So why now, what is wrong with me? Why can't i feel calm and instead i feel like i have a battle in my head? Why everything around me seems so lifeless? Why do i fear everyone who is trying to help me, either from the center or from my friends? (For them of course help means to take me away from the lessons, but they mean no harm.)

Thank you for your advice. I will try harder with that ego and i will try to have patience.

Hello kassandra!

I think concentrating on something negative is a bad idea and the more you do this the more you connect and the same applies when you concentrate on something good. Vadim gave you a good advice.

You should free yourself from judging,blaming and feeling guilty and allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from them. Just for a second let go of everything and look into your heart and just feel the love that is there waiting for you.There you are safe, there you are free and there is no judgment.

I wish you all the best!!! :D 

Thank you Nadya.

I never tried to find love for myself inside me. I had always love for others in my heart, but never for me. You would not believe the lengths i would go for those i love. A co worker told me once i remind him of phoenix, the bird that rebirths through his ashes. That when everyone thinks i am about to collapse i seem to get power out of nowhere and continue fighting. I remember he told me i should be very careful because i only do this for others and never for myself. I think he was right. I'll really try. I don't know how, but i will find a way. I just wish i stopped fearing everyone that tries to help and shutting them out.

Hi Kassandra,

Anyone you talk to here will give you as much help as you need, just look at all the replies to your post!
We all go through things and it's not like you're all by yourself.

Your particular fear seems like it may be just a general apprehension towards an unknown future. It can be different psychological identities trying to stop you from achieving any sort of gnosis to begin with too.

I found that expectations produce fear because we try to produce situations that bring about our expectation, and when that doesn't work we get anxious.

I don't think you could hurt anyone else by using gnosis or doing suggested practices. If someone takes offense to them then they are being hurt by their own ignorance. You learn quickly who you can talk with about said things and who you need to keep information guarded from. When it's people like family members and friends close to us, then it becomes harder to keep guarded.

You will be alright, just keep going. Finding things out the hard way is all part of learning.

Hi Kassandra, it's nice to meet you.

"But i am afraid to go to the center, i am afraid to meet my teacher. I feel he is always in my head, criticizing me for my egos. And i admit i have to many, and every day i find out even more. [...] And when i am not afraid for my self, it gets worse. I am afraid for others, i feel that if i keep going there i will end up hurting someone, make them feel so negative as i do, and i don't want to do this. They look so calm. I don't want them to end up like me."

"I never tried to find love for myself inside me. I had always love for others in my heart, but never for me. You would not believe the lengths i would go for those i love. A co worker told me once i remind him of phoenix, the bird that rebirths through his ashes. That when everyone thinks i am about to collapse i seem to get power out of nowhere and continue fighting. I remember he told me i should be very careful because i only do this for others and never for myself."

Let me say that I have not yet taken the Gnostic Wisdom course, but I felt the need to write to you because what you wrote directly goes to the heart of a certain mythology that currently has me absorbed. One of the main themes is about accomplishing compassionate action with the (whole) heart, and later on the problem/need of forgiving onself and the burden of being capable/responsible for helping others is introduced.

I could e-mail you the (video) reference for the mythology (or essential clips etc.) and also discuss it, though not here, as it probably inherently feeds egos and possibly contains black themes. Of course, if you feel its not really necessary to deviate much or even take a break from the practices (only to come back to them stronger), then I can simply try and present what I found to be the moral in the end.

I just read Apakhana's post. I think it's better that you do take things slow, and resort to what I'm suggesting (even the moral presentation option) only if you feel it's necessary.

Asim

Hi Kassandra,

Many people have given you great amount of good advise here. I only want to refocus you towards observing the Egos that are manifesting in you. As you have learned in these courses and from what others have already posted here, when we allow just one Ego (in your case Fear) to run the show (our well being) they will invite their friends (in your case negative entities) that will steer up the type of emotions (of fear) that will further strengthen that particular Ego. What might help you to overcome is that the happiness we felt before taking up this work was our ignorance to such things. These entities were still present in our lives, we just were not aware of them and what they are doing to us. We just felt sadness, or uncontrollable fear, or anger, or exhaustion out of nowhere. When we have grown older we have hid our selves in the logic of our mind - the intellect. But those of us that dwell here for long time, it is much harder to bring our selves back to our astral side. That is the price we pay - perpetual psychological sleep.

The one thing that we learned here in the courses is that fear is associated with one of the big ones - The Ego of Pride. I can sympathize with you when it comes to not wanting to hurt others, not wanting to let them down. If you are being truthful to your self and towards others then it is not you that is hurting them. What is hurting them is their own psychological sleep. They allowed them selves to conform to certain image (an illusion) with social structure that works in harmony with their Ego-based-personality. Ego-based-personality is easy to control because its behavior and reactions are predictable in accordance with the dominant Egos. Each ego is like a button that is easily triggered, because the owner is a sleep, and that is a true source of hurt.

The ego of fear springs from pride, it is the pride that feels shame. It is pride that fears failure and disappointment. When you look at our society today, from school to work place, pride is being used as motivation, as an incentive for us to do better. To be rewarded for our hard work makes our pride shines even more. And then we exclaim in excitement "Look what I can do". But we can do a very good job with out the need to belong, with out the need to matter, and with out the need to be recognized. Mother Theresa comes to mind. She did great deeds for those in need with out the need of reward. She did it from her heart. When we do things from the heart it is because it is our nature (our true self).
In order for it to be our true nature, we must do the hard work of eliminating our egos. We must not dwell in them. To learn to diminish them we have to stand still and strong not going along with them. They are like a strong gust of wind that wants to sweep us of our feet, but if hold on hard we will remain sure footed and the wind will soon die down again. Next time it blows with less energy because we did not give it any, we stood our ground.
This is what the work is about. By understanding from where the wind will blow we can implant ourselves fast and not yield to it. That is also what makes it so hard at first. We are in an essence walking against the wind, but then this wind will only become a small breeze.
When our essence grows, our love and compassion grows, then we can truly help those that suffer with our compassionate patience.

Do as Vadim suggested, make this a scientific experiment. Do not feel let down when the experiment did not work, just shake it off and try again. Little by little, learn what works and what does not, and improve on it. The only thing that is different now then before the work, is that you are aware of it. The Sun always rises after the darkest night.

Wishing you all a great spiritual morning.

Good morning to all of you.

Thank you for your replies.
You were right Apakhana. People here and in the centers can help. I used to give this advise to others but i forgot it when i had to use it. I went to the center yesterday, i felt a little bit better. I know i have a long way to go in order to overcome my fears and my pride. I will try to take a small step each time. Fear for the people in the center still resides in me as i wright these words, but now i know i just have to deal with it. I will keep going there, and i am sure they will help. (Even if Chris has to push me inside next time too. Thanks Chris.)
Asim thank you. But at this moment if i stop my practices i am not sure if i will come back. And i constantly feel darkness is all around me, i don't know if i can handle any more. As for my egos, if i feed them a little bit more, they will start resembling King Kong...

I wish you all a great day.

Hi Kassandra,

I seem to written quite a bit, and I think that maybe your posting here was a blessing for me. I was trying to write about myself and my ideas since about a week ago in the Self Discovery forum, but this was just taking me away from the awareness. I feel I have written something coherent. I think now I can start giving top priority to awareness once again.

"The one thing that we learned here in the courses is that fear is associated with one of the big ones - The Ego of Pride."

I found that in the mythology as well! This is shown in detail for the main antagonist, and at that point it gets rather deep, but I am able to talk about the protagonist.

"When you look at our society today, from school to work place, pride is being used as motivation, as an incentive for us to do better."

I have given my copy of a Brief History of Time to someone, but I think I read Stephen Hawking write that many physicists are under the influence of "the physicist's itch", and wrose still, some think they have no need to read Philosophy. The "physicist's itch" is the belief that there has been such progress in recency in Physics that everything about the universe is about to be known. People throughout history have intuitively felt something better, like: "We have not begun to understand 1% of 1% of how nature works." Thomas Kuhn was able to tell about his own discovery:

"Kuhn nonetheless traces his view of science to a single "Eureka!" moment in 1947 ["One is not one's own historian," he warns, "let alone one's own psychoanalyst."]. He was working toward his doctorate in physics at Harvard University when he was asked to teach some science to undergraduate humanities majors. Searching for a simple case history that could illuminate the roots of Newtonian mechanics, Kuhn opened Aristotle's Physics and was astonished at how "wrong" it was. How could someone so brilliant on other topics be so misguided in physics? Kuhn was pondering this mystery, staring out of the window of his dormitory room ("I can still see the vines and the shade two thirds of the way down"), when suddenly Aristotle "made sense."

Kuhn realized that Aristotle's views of such basic concepts as motion and matter were totally unlike Newton's. Aristotle used the word "motion," for example, to refer not just to change in position but to change in general--the reddening of the sun as well as its descent toward the horizon. Understood on its own terms, Aristotle's physics "wasn't just bad Newton," Kuhn says; it was just different. (http://folk.uio.no/almira/in-sats/horgan.html)

The message of his book, The Structure of Scientific Revolutions is that scientific theories aren't a matter of interpretation, but of sight, and therefore holders of different theories live in different, incommensurable worlds. However, there is the matter that science emerged simply as applied philosophy, but started to challege philosophy with the suffusion of mathematics into itself.

Mathematics is a matter of intuition I have come to know; Master SAW wrote: "The world of intuitions is the world of mathematics. The Gnostic who wants to rise to the world of intuition should be a mathematician, or at least, have notions of arithmetic.

Mathematical formulae confer Intuitive Knowledge. The formulae of Kepler and of Newton can serve to exercise ourselves in the development of Intuitive Knowledge." (p110, The Revolution of the Dialectic) However, the master also wrote about balencing Knowledge with Being. I have only read pieces of biographies of mathematicians. It may be hard to find major signs of pride among mathematicains towads humanity in general, but there have been great disputes, or even fueds inbetween them. I mention the case of Set Theory (George Cantor) below.

I felt that the main antagonist in the mythology represented Newton's legacy, or more advanced/larger Physics. One secondary antagonist is seen to have devoted himself to besting the legacy without really understanding what he is fighting for. He manages to outdo the scientific worth of the legacy (for example, Quantum Mechanics says there is not a single ideal Newtonian particle in existance, only wave-particle duality), but not truly challenge the mathematics involved.

Anyone interested in reading about the mathematician who actually shook the foundations of mathematics, rather than only a major branch like Calculus, can read the article on Georg Cantor on Wikipedia. I read Grattan-Guiness' biography on Cantor I think. Cantor's father wanted him to go into industry (or maybe engineering); I don't remember the discussion the two had, but he wished him the best in his mathematical persuits in a letter. He told him that the heart was his "true friend" (there's a term in German) and something about the possibility of (unforseeably) finding onself in (unthinkably) difficult situations.

Plato, Aristotle's master, advocated mathematics along with ideals I think; but from the little I've read about Socrates, Plato's master, Socrates' focus was more on strengthening the Being. The protagonist from the mythology is shown to be a difficult student for his master, at least as far as the goal of besting the antagonist without being overwhelmed by his own egos is concerned: "Bonehead! What is to be done if you were to give up after just this!?! It's only after you think its hopeless that the real contest begins! There is only one basis for it-- yearning. Making your heart as one is the only way to have control over yourself once you have gone beyond your limits." In the documentary, The Greeks: Crucible of Civilization, Socrates is shown not as a person of consciousness per se, but "intellectual conscience". Socrates whole life is about "questioning assumptions" and he delivers the message of putting "virtue and wisdom" before "private interests" to his students (only first quotation from the documentary). An interviewee/narrator (perhaps not exactly): "Socrates... in his life and in this death becomes... a completely new Greek hero. From now on the hero is a person of conviction: a person who will follow nothing but the dictates of his intellectual conscience. And that is what a human being... is like, and what a good human being must be like."

I reccomend this documentary since its message is accessible to those unfamiliar with gnosis I think, and thus you could watch it with family members. The depiction of the old concept of the Greek hero (a particular depiction of Homer's Illiad and Odyssey) will bring up egos, but that's only if one dwells over it rather than Socrates and his clear triumph over it. :)

Regards,

Asim

Hello Asim,
Thank you for pointing out the Babel in the arts of science and its undertakers.

I always felt that the reference to well known people of science and arts by SAW was to show us that when we focus our thought and awareness we will be shown the truth and reality that is veiled behind our own mind's illusions.

What is amazing when you study the biography of these great thinkers is that eventually they will become stuck as if they lost that magic window through which the mystery was first observed. What could have possibly happened? Was it old age? Was it that they became bottled up in their minds with in theories? Or did they spilled the sacred waters and suffered spiritual fall? Or their Egos that they did not work on ran them to the ground?

Their biography also shows us, as you pointed out that some were very argumentative in nature. They have devoted them selves to the quest of the mystery and to make their revelations known they had to fight in the lion's pit. "To know how God did it" as Einstein wanted to know. But they have sacrificed them selves for the improvement of our world and some have received bit of fame in the process. Perhaps it was that fame that lured them away from revolutionary search of reality. When we fall asleep, the window into reality closes.

I like the point you have made about the difference of Socrates motivations and Plato's intellectual adaptation. When the mystery is given to us on the plater ready made and we take the time to understand it intellectually only, we are in danger of falling a sleep as our Egos will run away with the work. Perhaps that is why Master only revealed the first step towards the mystery and the disciple must earn it him self before next step was revealed to him. Some gave up and some kept the thirst for knowledge. Some were lead a straight, and very few found it. We are very fortunate to be given the mystery on the plater. What we do with it is totally in our own lap.

Wishing you all a great spiritual morning.