The strength to ask…Subscribe |
|
Sat, 02/16/2008 - 13:43
|
|
Timothy A. T.
Join Date: 2004-02-27 Forum Posts: 163 |
Hello everyone, I’m not able to post this as a blog entry at the moment since I was unable to enroll in the Teacher’s Course this round (that’s the last time schoolwork will weigh me down for a long time, though, as graduation is just around the corner). I hope this is the right place to post this topic. I feel kind of constricted right now and I feel like no one will listen to me. I can’t let these things I’m feeling stay pent up inside, so I’ll write them here so I can understand what’s behind them. I don’t mean to sound like I’m whining, and this does have an aspect of spirituality to it. So please bear with me. Let me begin with my situation. I am one of 47 million Americans without health insurance right now. I haven’t had it for five years and now it’s taking its toll on me. I have been wearing glasses since I was three years old because my eye turns inward. And without glasses (and regularly updating my glasses’ prescription) the world is blurry to me. Also when I don’t regularly update my glasses’ prescription, in order to see the world clearly, I have to strain my eyes (or shut one eye). It gets rather painful sometimes. There’s more. I cannot afford to see the doctor because I have no job (and won’t be seeking one until after I graduate this May). Last year my parents took me to the optometrist to get new glasses for me. It only fixed the problem temporarily, as now my vision is starting to blur again even with my glasses on. I have found that the only way to correct this condition of mine is to undergo a type of therapy, which I can’t afford, as you may already have guessed. My parents don’t plan to take me to the optometrist again to update my glasses and have told me that I need to get a job to pay for my own things (my parents aren’t cruel or anything, they only told me I have to get help myself). I feel like Armando Cosani, who, in his book “The Flight of the Feathered Serpent” had a limp due to his war wound. It severely debilitated him socially and physically. The worst side effect for me, though, is having to close my eyes to take the stress off of them, falling asleep and wasting valuable time. Yet, unlike Armando Cosani who prayed and asked for help (he asked for intelligence although he wanted to ask for eventual help for his leg. I think it’s evident that’s what he wanted all along), I hesitate. Why do I hesitate, when I know in my heart of hearts Gnosis is real? There’s a sea of egos at play here and it’s a mess trying to understand them. I am making progress against them, though. But I need to get rid of them so I can ask for help without hesitation. Every time I lie down to pray for help I start to feel totally unworthy of divine help. I ask myself “What have I done to earn the help I need for this? I feel like I have done nothing and have nothing to pay for this help.” (Because by doing the Spiritual Work we earn help for our needs) Then I get upset thinking that I won’t be heard and my request for help will be denied because I have no merit to pay with. When I went to the California Retreat last June, one of the instructors there (I think it was Patricia) said that that feeling of unworthiness is a form of pride. Why, then, do I still hesitate? When I go over how karma and dharma work I understand that the Beings of Karma really do love us. The only thing that’s holding me back is this subtle form of pride. The trouble is that I haven’t disintegrated it yet (and from moment to moment, the trickiest balancing act of them all!) and most of all I need to understand it so I can disintegrate it. Armando Cosani eventually received help for his leg thanks to Judas’s help. And I, too, hope that my eyes are helped, once I overcome and disintegrate this pride that keeps me from asking (and hopefully find a job to get the help I need). Thanks for listening. Tim |
|
|
Join Date: 2004-09-05
Forum Posts: 1363
Hi Tim,
It could be worthwhile to ask for help to gain the most from this situation and your current state, as well as patience. If this situation is there for you to learn, then maybe you could get help to use it to your advantage.
Gabrielle
Join Date: 2007-08-01
Forum Posts: 180
Tim there is a lesson in this, whatever you find out that you need to work on through this situation it will become better, there are souls still up in the astral who are scared to come down to this living hell called earth (It's not a living hell but compared to the after life it is a hell), You had the courage to come down here so you have every right to ask, you don't need to feel like you don't deserve it. Every life we have we choose what disabilities we have, what lessons we need to learn, so if you're able to find the lesson in all of this, everything will turn around and you'll laugh at this, and you do not need to repay for the help given, because if god, divine, whatever you want to call it asks for a favor to repay it, he is not all loving, and is not perfect. So don't worry about repaying god for help, just ask for more. I hope this helped =D
John
Join Date: 2005-02-16
Forum Posts: 615
Hey Timothy,
Sorry to hear about your predicament and pain that you must be in.
I can relate a little as I had/have an injury that causes me some pain from time to time. I too was hesitant to ask for help for a long time for similar reasons to what you have already mentioned. When I was asking for help there was a lack of sincerity and even stranger, an almost attachment to the pain and disability of which was afflicting me. There seemed to be a part of me that was comfortable with what I was and didn't want to let it go.
This came to a head when this injury was really affecting my spiritual work. I had to travel long distance to get to a Gnostic Centre and I was unable to do spiritual practices longer then a short period.
It was at this point I was truly able to pray as I was asking so that I could step up my spiritual work, travel to a Centre and do long practices. I really wanted to do the Work and experience more spiritual things. It was this desire and yearning that allowed me to break the hold of these egos that wanted me stuck in a crippled internal and external state.
It might be worth just to evaluate what you really want at this point and then do everything you can to follow that and leave everything else to fall into place. Maybe at this point you may really really want to know the legitimacy of Gnosis and what it teaches. Then put all your prayer, efforts and energy into that. If its what you want the an experience will come, in some form, physical or astral. Then with that knowledge you will have a greater power over whatever egos that are fighting you and you will have more desire to pray for the help to eliminate elements (internal or external) that are inhibiting you from your spiritual work.
The amount of help, healing, forgiveness, that is available for those who sincerely look is truly without words. Follow your heart and back it up with efforts and everything will be nice and peachy :-).
I wish you all the strength and healing Tim. Thanks for posting.
Adam.
Join Date: 2005-01-26
Forum Posts: 820
Hi Timothy,
Don't feel bad, I don't have insurance either. I probably will never have it too.
I'm also pretty much blind without glasses or contacts.
My whole family has terrible eyesight and my sister was born totally blind. If your condition is just a lazy eye then as I understand it, it isn't that big of a problem but that's unfortunate that it causes pain.
The eyes of my organism are so bad that macular degeneration will be a prime concern when I grow older, but why worry...
I thought I would always have to wear glasses and hated big stupid lenses on my face. Then one day my little brother got contacts - so I tried them too, and they just went right in and I never had any problems yet, so here's an example of a condition I thought I'd be stuck with forever but now it's remedied.
You never know what might happen.
As far as feeling unworthy, it's important to realize that we are all here to wake up, so everybody alive is therefore worthy of spiritual help if they are sincere in their efforts to change.
As far as physical pain, that may be karmic and there's nothing to be done really, unless you get to that certain point where you have to pay it all off. I am fortunate enought that that kind of physical pain is never a problem though.
Join Date: 2005-01-24
Forum Posts: 634
This is an option with the contact lens but from what I remember I think there are for short-sightedness or long-sightedness only but I am not totally sure. I know my mother uses both contact lens and glasses which she uses from time to time so her eyes can relax from the contact lens.
She told me a story with one of her clients that's a boy and he had to use glasses and I don't recall the whole story exactly but he spoke with one man that is a proffesor and he gave him some advice with the glasses but in the end his eye sight became worse because of them and my mother told him why would you give so much money for this glasses so that in the end you will be even worse so she told him about the contact lens and that is a lot more cheaper and it won't stand on his face like the glasses and his eye sight won't change or not with big differences.So the boy was very happy after that! :)
Join Date: 2003-09-08
Forum Posts: 876
Hi Tim,
Have you tried disintegrating the feeling of unworthiness as it comes up when you're trying to ask for help?
That and the egos making you think you won't be heard and those making you think you have nothing to pay with sound like they're all ganging up on you so you don't get in touch with the Masters and your divine parents. It's in their best interest to do that, because if you're not in touch with your Divine Mother at least then you won't be able to disintegrate the egos properly, and there is lots of other help you won't be able to access.
So maybe everytime the feelings come up, or the thoughts about it, try and disintegrate them straight away, and then carry the momentum forwards by asking for what you need? Also, I've found it really helpful to talk to my Divine Parents whenever I feel that I am in need, and not just to ask for things, but to talk to them about the problems I'm facing and why I think that might be. In the past I've found I've been helped with little insights through the day when I've done this, and it gives a lot of strength and drive generally.
Also, on the retreat in California, were you taught the practice of the asanas? The asanas can be used to heal the body and they are pretty effective exercises. You can also use them as a way to pray to your Divine Mother for whatever you need, and to develop your relationship with her.
If you didn't get taught the exercise, maybe you could get in touch with your nearest centre and explain your situation, they might be able to explain the practice to you.
All the best Tim,
David
Join Date: 2003-12-29
Forum Posts: 808
Hi Tim,
I know that feeling of unworthiness very well... certainly comes from the egos and it can be a real nuisance. But you are doing the right thing by dying to it… it just takes time.
Others have offered you great advice but I just wanted to add that when you ask for something, the Masters will only perform it if it is in line with the Divine Will. Feeling unworthy is just a trick of the mind because we only receive the help that we're worthy of (otherwise I'm sure there'd be a lot more millionaires out there :P ).
Sometimes when I personally pray for something I still add a small phrase like, "please only do this according to the Divine Will."
I wish you all the best in getting the help you need. And I'll say a prayer for you!
Mike
Join Date: 2004-02-27
Forum Posts: 163
I would like to thank you all.
I felt like I needed to post this because I felt so stuck.
To David,
Yes, I did learn the asanas at the California retreat, but without material to review, I forgot how to do them and didn’t even bother to ask a center about it (shows how far and subtle the egos can go).
The California retreat was just what I needed. The brotherhood I felt there has inspired me time and time again to get up and do the things I need to graduate from the university, find a job in the near future, and overcome all of the difficulties I must overcome to move to California from Texas. Whenever I feel (and have felt) down something has always reminded me of the joy I felt at the retreat, and I come out on top because I do what needs to be done.
I feel so isolated here in Texas. There’s no one to talk to about how I feel and sometimes I just forget I can talk to everyone here. That’s another reason I want to move to California. I want to be near kindred spirits.
Again, I thank all of you.
Tim
Join Date: 2003-09-08
Forum Posts: 876
Hi Tim,
I know how you feel about the retreat memories, I feel the same thing for the recent Australian retreat.
Not too long ago I wrote up a description of the positions of the asanas, for someone who couldn't remember how to do them from the retreat, if you'd like me to email it you, please post on my guestbook with your email address.
Then I'll send the writeup to you and delete your post from the guestbook so your email isn't out in public for more than a day or so :)
I hope everything falls into place for moving to California. If you ask for lots of help and do everything you can I'm sure it will!
David
Join Date: 2007-11-02
Forum Posts: 799
My heart really goes out to you Tim. But, please know that nobody is "unworthy" of a healing. Look who Jesus healed. Look who Jesus saved from a stoning.
If Gnosis teaches that we are unworthy of physical health because we don't do "enough" spiritual work, then I can with 100% confidence say that it is wrong. So, get over that notion quickly, please, for your own sake and take it upon yourself to find your way to a healing. You DO 100% deserve it.
Dusty