Hi foxtse,

On one level, my understanding is that we must pay our karma in full. So if we hurt a lot of people, we will be hurt a lot of times. It's not all as grim as this, though. We can pay off our karma by doing good deeds and eliminating our egos.

Doing good deeds can make up for some of the bad deeds we've done. And every time we eliminate an ego, except in the case of adultery, all the karma we have accrued because of that ego is pardoned. So in a past life, suppose I got angry and punched someone in the face. Then that sort of thing would happen to me... but if, say, I eliminated the ego that made me do that violent act then I'd have learnt my lesson through the spiritual work and no longer need a punch in the face - I would be granted mercy.

Our appearance in the astral can be quite frightening and it reflects what we carry within. But we don't have to remain monsters forever. By eliminating the darkness within things can change and we can become better people.

Again for the details of Alchemy, I'd refer you to the Gnostic Wisdom course, because it is well beyond the scope of these public forums. There's a lot to understand before that.

It can be extremely difficult to overcome masturbation, but it is ultimately possible (and necessary for true spiritual development). We have to be extremely strong-willed and absolutely, at all costs, put an end to it. The elimination technique is also really helpful as we can destroy the details of lust that draw us to that sort of behaviour in the first place.

Wishing you all the strength right now - life can be very painful and in those times the egos can really bring us down, but over many battles we can overcome them and find real peace. You can do it!

Mike

So which ego is this?, I'm thinking perhaps avoid hurting others in a sexual manner. If this is what I'm trying to do, will I be granted mercy?.

Its so hard to know I'm having this KARMA any new relationship could end up in rejection, I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think as if I am destined for loneliness and rejection.

Also I feel guilty about one thing, I don't know if I should: I feel atracted to good looking women, is that wrong?.

HI foxtse,
i'm very new to this site, to Gnosticism, etc. so i'll leave all that stuff to folks who know more. :-) .

it's took a lot of guts for you to come out and say all you have, i commend you for your courage. although i don't know much about Gnosticism, i am familiar with helping people and healing in all forms. i work as a complementary therapist, and am trained in various energy therapies, including Reiki , which i also teach. :-)

so, as i work with folks all the time, i can emphasise a bit as to how you feel. you know, if you feel like you need valium, then go right ahead. :-) . forget about any spiritual 'heirarchy' that may/may not condone whatever. th emost important thing to YOU, is that you mantain some form of equilibrium. although i wouldn't condone using valium unless you were prescribed it, but that's me talking professionally. ;-)

anyhow, i dunno if you've ever heard of Reiki, if not google it. :-) . by literal definition it is 'spiritual energy'. i.e. energy of the divine. non-religious, and is a wonderful thing from anything form relaxation to assisting cancer. if you want, i'm able to give Reiki over distance (this is standard, :-) ), and it may help you at this time. as there is no seperatedness in reality, as all is interlinked, our concept of time & space does not impede Reiki, irrespective of even 1000's of miles.

it's a free offer, to another fellow human, who could use a freind now. :-). if you're happy to deal with it yourself, no worries, i'll still be about to chat.

take care
milarepa

Not sure where to start on this one... The first thing which can be good to keep in mind that that most people likely have a lot of karma from previous lives, all people suffer, some more and some less... To suffer is a part of this reality, one way or another. However there are periods when there is more suffering and periods when there are less. Just because you are suffering now, and have karma does not mean you are destined to repeat the same your entire life with no ability to stop it.

It is possible to change, however it does not occure easily. That you saw yourself as a monster in a mirror does not mean this is how you actually appear in the astral (which you might already know) rather it can simply be a teaching and a reflection of your inner state. If you want to know how you truly look in the astral, either try to see yourself using 3rd eye vision if you get the chance, or ask someone who is near you like a spirit etc how you appear. Most likely he is going to say you appear human and normal. This however does of course not change your inner state, but it can be changed, if you truly want it.

What is important to realize is that you are not going to become a saint overnight, but you can change if you want to. By working on your inner nature (egos etc) you raise your energies, which should begin attracting nicer situations and people. But for this to occure there is a need for big changes.

To repress sexual urges does not work, it is however possible to elliminate the source of, and the urges themselves, just like all the other sources of pain and missery. This is described in the later courses on this site, and you might want to take them.

If you truly want to work on yourself, it would be strongly recommended not to have sex with people you do not truly love. When you begin working on yourself you begin strengthening your energies, and removes the psychological reasons for suffering. By having orgasm you undo a lot of this work. It is possible to stop masturbating and stop the need for orgasm. This is of course not a simple thing, but it can be done, but to do it properly you would need the techniques given in later courses... So as not repress the urges and psychological causes, but rather elliminate them.

Sometimes it is only by seeing rock bottom, and to experience true suffering, that we begin seeing the light and are prepared and willing to do proper intense work. In a number of years you might look back at this as a gift in discuise.

It is really hard to explain this properly based on your post... It covers so much in a small topic, and it is hard to shorten it down and simplify it like this... and I am hardly an expert. Take it for what it is, my few cents... But do keep in mind, it is possible to change... and when you change, things around you change as well, much for the better.

You cannot be contradictory however, you cannot want change and still keep using people. Take the future courses and you will learn more.

Hi Foxtse,

According to my very limited knowledge and experience, this whole issue with opposite sex and successful relationships depends on how serious and effective a person is with the spiritual work, as it is expalined in the courses.

We get what we give. We get what we deserve.
Who deserves to be with angel in a human body, wise, kind and beautiful?

Masters teach that there is Pillar of Severity, karma is needed for learning, to keep things in order and balance in the world, but also there is Pillar of Mercy. The good things we do, are always counted, even if others don't see it, the change can be very slow and hard, especially, if we have a lot to overcome from this and previous lives, but it can be done.

Sexual attraction is very needed for the spiritual work and just to be a normal human being, however egos of lust alter it to monstrosity and abnormality.
This animalistic desire to seduce, to manipulate in order to posess, to control, can be fed by compulsive looks around, engaging in the activities led by lust, for lust, etc. Lust can be fed in a variety of ways, by listening to lustful music, watching video clips with lustful images, flirting with a person of opposite sex, getting dressed in a certain way to look more attractive, sitting in the place where you can look more or to be more looked at, etc.

The difference, about what is right and wrong from the perspective of what is right for the spiritual work to take place and to build up a great relationship, is very hard to see.

From my experiences, the hardest thing here is to feel the actual warmth in your heart and feel a very pleasant and sweet feelings in the lower centers, and those nice dreams in imagination about how things can be...and knowing from self observation that it is an ego, just apply the elimination technique to all of it until it will be gone.

Then, when the egos are destroyed with the elimination technique (taught in the course in Gnostic Wisdom), this true peace within, is so much more pleasant than those inferior sweet feelings!

Stay strong, you are not alone in this battle, it's very hard one, it can take much longer time than you think it should take, it can be very demanding and require a much higher standards to be realistic then we set up in the beginning, to actually work.

There is no easy solution here.

Vadim

I don't know what to tell you, I am on the other end of the spectrum from you as far as intimacy goes.
I have to care for someone first before I can become close enough to make love with her. It's unfortunate that in this world, especially the modern one, I have to be the odd one out, but it's beyond even wasting a minute of time worrying over, and I think it's funny because I don't care, and people's ego of anger will use this a reason to make them mad.

"Casual" sex is only lust, a desire to please self by possesing someone else or using them as a tool. Love is the desire to do the will of someone else, to please someone else you care for, above even thinking of oneself or it being a selfish act.
By your post you seem to understand this but haven't made a decision regarding what you will do in the future.

In my experience, I see that we are given the body of a human male to learn obvious lessons we can not learn the same way while wearing a female organism.

I am not a doctor of psychology or qualified in any way to give advice on mental medicine but have my own experience that might help shed the light you need to see your way through:

If I can give you any advice, it is to NOT take valium.

Your answers will be found when you look within, not when you look to external sources (like drugs).

I have observed first hand what that drug does to people and how applying a quick fix eventually turns into another problem on the already sky-high pile of existing problems.

Believe it or not, you already know all the answers. You have to use your awareness to see your situations in their entirety.
This can not be done when the mind is clouded and dulled by synthetic chemicals and even natural drugs.

For a future scenario, imagine your current unbalanced inner state coupled with an addiction to a quick fix like valium added on top of it.

In my experience, I went through many bad things stacked up at once that illicited a reaction in me similar to your own experience right now, only brought about under different circumstances.
I know exactly what you are going through and what the outcome will be based on your choices you will or will not make.

In retrospection, I am actually thankful that I had no way out, I was alone, and had no solace through my suffering because I would not have comprehended the lessons I took from the experience in the correct way I was able to.
It was also about this time I happened upon gnosticweb while searching within ...

At some part in one's spiritual journey, in one incarnation or another, we experience what is usually called the "dark night of the soul." It is an unbearable, tragic, and intolerable loneliness that nearly drives someone to madness ... I felt I must have been Hitler in a past life.
However; this suffering is needed in order for one to understand with full comprehension the spiritual lesson they are about to recieve.

Without my suffering which I thank the almighty I had, I would have never been pushed to look or be able to realize any higher aspect of my being above the usual mechanical animal psyche.

I think you'll be fine. It is true that we are not given a burden we can not bear. Doubt and fear is the mindkiller.
It is good to see you at least are aware of your situation and want to change. You will not have enough strength unless you have a WILL to do it. Our prayers will be with you too. Remember you aren't the only person in the universe to be in your situation. I came through it, you will too. Pay attention to what you go through so you can better help someone else someday.

And keep us updated on your progress !

Hmmm, foxtse from the little memories I have of this exercise you don't direct the energy to the mind only but to the heart that transforms it. :)

You can try to meditate to calm down your mind and maybe try to find out what pure love means.Recently when I had moments of feeling real love I was able to see that all that the heart wants and does IS TO LOVE and the mind SEARCHES FOR REASONS. It is also important to find time and heal the rejection you had in the past too.

I wish you all the best!

Thank you guys. I woke up in the middle of the night when the effects of the drugs had passed and inmediately I started feeling anxious again, then depressed and started to cry.

Then I felt I think awareness, I decided I want to hug and kiss my parents everyday and be nicer to people. Then something weird happened, I started remembering times when people were in trouble, even people I had met, and that I helped them a little bit but could have helped more, and then I remembered a friend of mine told me she was working with kinds with cancer, and I just felt like I needed to help, aliviate their suffering and make me less superficial and closer to people. Basically felt like since I don't have a partner to give love to, I have extra love now to people.

After that another thought came out which said this would cancel some Karma and so it was a good idea, which I don't know how good is this thought. But the first one seemed originally from the heart.

Is this making sense to you?, could it be just a crazy idea that passed through my mind?, I don't know because I just took the pills again, and I feel like tired and careless, but I will be leaving the pills after a few days.

Yes, it makes a lot of sense to me, Foxtse.

I had a very similar experiences of passing through suffering and trying to learn from it, when it was over, feeling real compassion and care for people, wish to help everyone in need and do only the right thing, no matter what it will take.
No pain -no gain, learning through suffering, becoming stronger!

Yes, I agree that it's the best to be careful with pills though, because they can be bad not only physically but also spiritually, like being careless, you've mentioned.

I hope you will be well soon,
Vadim

Hello Foxtse
I too went through a stage of having many sexual partners and in the process hurt many and was hurt myself many times. Like you are now experiencing, I went through a 'long dark night of the soul' of desolation and feelings of rejection, but emerged wiser and stronger.
After much soul-searching I realised that I was desperately seeking love and affection and was confusing this with sexual gratification. It was only after making a decision to be kinder to myself and seeking to give and receive love only through friendship that my life improved dramatically.

After two years of abstinence one such friendship became sexually intimate and our love has gone from strength to strength for the past eighteen years. As human beings we all have sexual urges to a greater or lesser degree, it's how our species recreates itself. Personally I do not see anything wrong with masturbation to satisfy these urges, it is very easy for those with lesser urges to preach abstinence. However, masturbation should not become the focus of your day - see it in the same way as you would cleaning your teeth or shaving, make it something to help clear your mind, not clutter it, so you can focus on higher aims.

I prefer to see Karma as something over which we all have control - if our actions are for the highest good then only good will come from them but we must be honest with ourselves in this process. It is never good to become fixated or obsessed so we need to develop techniques to distract ourselves, meditation can release us from the chains of such behaviour. If we feel true remorse for our actions, this is the first step on a different path and our Karmic debt begins to reduce.

There is nothing wrong with feeling attracted to good-looking people but we must remember that the wrapping can sometimes deceive about what lies within and be realistic about whether a particular physically attractive person will help or hinder our spiritual wellbeing. Medication can provide temporary relief from unbearable suffering but sooner or later we must confront what is causing that suffering in order to overcome it.

In avoiding hurting others in a sexual manner you will grant yourself mercy - you are at the beginning of a journey of discovery about yourself, you are becoming awake. Be kind to yourself and to others and you will attract people of a similar nature. I wish you well on your journey.