Josiah,

From reading your posts I realise you are a very open-minded person which is something I deeply respect.

You mentioned in your post that when your girlfriend became a completely new person you began to get involved in many things that were "detrimental" for a spiritual lifestyle.
You then mentioned that when she returned, and you quit drinking, smoking, you "started living better".

This implies that you must have at least felt better than when you were into drinking etc, in other words a step in the right direction according to your feelings, which in turn rules out the option "Do I regress to my carnal past?"

It seems a very confusing and difficult situation when you don't believe all of the Mormon accounts, and your girlfriend doesn't understand many of Samael's works, both going in almost different directions, and yet still trying to make both of them work at the same time...

Your girlfriend is battling depression, is constantly confused, and doesn't know what she should be doing or how she should be living her life...I can really relate to that with some of my past experiences, and it certainly makes you think, if the "Mormon" religion was the right path, would there be so much depression and confusion, is it maybe that there is still something missing?

All wishing we could find the perfect path in life, and yet everytime we find something it seems to slip away and we return to our confused state, falling further the higher we climb.

What would no doubt add to her depression and confusion, is the haphazard thoughts of...

Do I go by my parents who tell me I need medication?
Do I go by my friends who tell me I need a psychiatrist?
Do I follow the church and find the Lord?

It would be a difficult thing for you to be really supportive when the answers seem so far away, it is interesting to realise that she has the potential to solve it all herself without medication, a psychiatrist, or an external God...

It sounds like the sort of scenario when after a little bit of time, (and I could be wrong) she may miss what you guys had, and slowly decide to build things back together again, because with all of these thoughts, confusion, different paths and doubts and so on, the mind will not be clear and it will be difficult for her to make the best decisions, and sometimes time itself can mend that to a certain degree.

The fact she still cares for you and wants to go to church with you and still wants to do stuff with you, is a really good sign in my opinion, and although that can be painful, it is much better than her not wanting to have anything to do with you.

I can imagine how right now you must feel totally isolated, apart from the rest of the world, nobody there left for you, your good friends in slightly different directions to where you were headed, your new friends not yet close enough, your girlfriend on time alone, and you are just left by yourself to think and ponder...

You want to help her but you don't know how...for a start it could be simply a bit of time alone for her to think about it all and get to grips with what is happening that can help, as well as just easy discussions, asking her why she feels as she does, and how you could take steps to fixing all of the problems and confusion, together.

Nobody here can really tell you what you should and should not do any better than yourself, but about waiting for her to make progress, I personally would give her a little bit of time to sort things out, but help her in subtle ways if it seems right along the way, rather than throwing it all away at first.

It is these times when many people turn to God, they have nobody else to talk to, they are alone, much like a young and lonely child who creates an invisible friend to talk to and play with...

The power and the strength is inside you.
By looking at this situation as a time to learn and understand yourself better and how you are feeling, and what you can do to change the way you feel, and learning about yourself, you can gain huge amounts of experience through the unfortunate circumstances.

By staying strong, and going along with her wishes for now, as well as keeping in touch with her, a great relationship has the oppurtunity to occur, because it is through these darker times, that the relationship can also be strengthened, to go through these times together, and yet alone also, only creates appreciation for both individuals when they become one again in the future.

I hope for both of your sake that you manage to sort things out with your relationship, and I wish you all the luck I can give in staying strong, and making all of the right choices.

Sorry for the long post but what you wrote felt very important to me, so those are my thoughts anyhow.

Thank you for sharing because that in itself can help immensely.

Túrin

Hi Josiah
I'm really sorry, it sounds like a hard time, I wish you all the strength you need to get back on your feet and move past this.

I don't want to comment on the relationship and I definitely cannot tell you what to do regarding it and your attendance at the church, all I can say is, if she feels she needs time, give her that.

Time to herself, time away from you, from the church, time to contemplate. She obviously feels confused and maybe very guilty for abandoning her mission and those are feelings she needs to work on by herself and understand/come to terms with. The kindest thing you can do, is to allow her the space to do that.

In terms of what you should do now, what do you want to do now? What do you feel comfortable doing? You know the answer, and if you don't, you need to search for it.

There's no cut and dried right or wrong, go with how you feel and what you intuitively, and so wisely, know to be correct.

All the best
Ahona

Thank you Turin and Ahona.

Right now I'm going to go ahead and give her space. I want the best for her and even though it's not the easiest thing to do I feel it's the right thing to do.

As for what direction I plan to take, I'm going to continue to keep doing what I've been doing. I'm not going to regress into my carnal past. I'll continue to give church a shot and I'll be there for her when she needs it.

Thanks again for listening and your comments. Life gets rough at times and I'm glad to have found a site like this.

Kind regards,
Josiah

Hello Josiah,

I' am glad you made a descision, wish you spiritual strength and divine guidance through this test that life has thrown at you.

I'm glad you have come to a good conclusion for now, so as to not be trapped amidst total confusion.

Thank you Ahona, you summarised a lot of what I was trying to say, I just have trouble saying it in less words :)

Túrin

:)

Josiah, how are you going?

Ahona,
:)
It's good to see that others are interested in my progress. However, things are still rough. If you remember, my girlfriend wanted some time and space to herself and I had decided that I would give her that. To me this meant that I would try my hardest to keep my distance (no phone calls, visits, etc.). The problem was that she continued to make phone calls here and there and was still cool with my presence. I don't personally know how to interpret this. We both still like each other, but she feels that in order for her to make any progress with her own problems I need to be out of the picture. Once again, I don't understand this.

She told me that the reason she needs time apart was in order to have more time to work upon herself. She wanted more time for things like fitness, prayer/meditation, yoga, scriptures, and time with her dog. The problem was that as soon as I left the picture she simply replaced my presence with some of her girlfriends. She never did and still hasn't done the things she wanted to. So, I told her this. She got upset and told me that I shouldn't judge her. However, the next day she told me that I was right and was sorry she got all angry about it.

Another thing that makes it tough is the fact that she doesn't want to tell anyone that we broke up. She doesn't want to deal with the response and doesn't want other guys hitting her up for dates and stuff. Also, she sometimes acts as if we never did break up and asks if she can give me a hug or a kiss. She'll tell me that she misses me and wants me to be around and the next day she'll tell me she needs her space again. It's completely baffling me. I told her it's tough for me because I have no one to talk to. I can't talk to my friends because she doesn't want anyone to know. However, she feels she can confide in her bishop from church and the other day I found out she was talking to some dude she knew from Portugal about it as well.

Last fall she just started a full time teaching job. She teaches 4th grade and the other teachers, administrators, and children are driving her crazy. I do my best to help her and make things easier, but sometimes I feel that my efforts are in vain. She is never in the mood to talk about what is going on between us. It only serves to frustrate her and she gets very emotional. She says she doesn't know what she is doing in life, she doesn't know how to start doing the things she does know, and that she is a trainwreck and apologizes for putting me through this. I'm just at a loss for how to proceed. I just don't like other girls like I do her. She says that if I want to I can date other girls, but I know that she'd be sad to see me go. I feel an attraction to her that no other girl can get me to feel. It makes things really tough for me.

I apologize for the long post Ahona, but the readers of this post are the only people I feel comfortable talking about this with.

Josiah

So sorry to hear that the situation hasn't eased up.

On the positive side, you sound like you are dealing with it relatively well, which is great :)

It does sound like your girlfriend is very confused about what she wants from the relationship and maybe life in general and has a lot on her plate with starting a new job and being very busy!

The only suggestion I can make is that it may be a good time to spend some time by yourself, go for lots of walks, maybe take a holiday or go camping and spend some time by yourself, in solitude, to sort out how you want to handle things and how you want to approach life and this relationship. Sounds like some TLC for yourself is in order :)
a.

Hi Josiah,

I know it's been a long time since there were any posts in this thread, but I hope the situation has got better.

How are you feeling if you want to talk about it?

I just wanted you to know that you have friends here, even if they are in different parts of the world, and that there are always people to talk to here if you need it.

All the best for hard times, things will get better.

David

Hi Josiah

I find that whenever I feel swamped emotionally, the best thing I can do is to really focus on my 5 senses. I listen carefully to the sounds around me. I touch and really feel the things surrounding me, and the things that I'm wearing. I look and concentrate on the many things I can see. By flooding your senses with information, you help to block out the egos that are trying to tie you up emotionally. As you concentrate on your senses, and not on your emotions, then your essence, your consciousness within, has a chance to shine through, and bring you the peace that is so precious to us all. Hold onto this peace, and through it you will find answers to your questions.

All the best,
Vicki