Life at Work 2
Hi again. I've been wanting to write another entry for the past 2 days, but only just got to it today. Not so bad though - more to say.
I didn't expect it to be very easy to change my habits in terms of the computer, but - as usual - I didn't expect it to be as hard as it is. That's OK, though - it's not surprising, so I am still trying at it. I have noticed some recurring patterns that take me away from awareness over the past few days, and they're quite interesting. I also haven't been very good with triggers or breaks, but I think they would help a lot. Actually, I've found in the past that they although they might not help that much in and of themselves, they definitely help to focus my mind more on my goal - to do something extra always helps me get that focus and commitment. So I think I will sit down and come up with a battle plan, keeping in mind that it will also help in that way - because that's something that definitely interests me. I need focus.
I wrote just above that I have noticed several recurring things. Probably the main one is the chattering mind. It chatters constantly when I am trying to come back, and even more when I am trying to change the ingrained behaviors. But this isn't surprising, since the egos don't want to go...I have learned about the importance of endurance from trying this out. And I have been able to take that to other areas of my life. I've noticed that often, quite often, things are not as bad or as lost as I make them out to be, and that once I realize that and I keep trying, I can do a lot more than I thought I could, and gain a bit more understanding. It's funny that someone can learn about how pain can work and how it can be an illusion just from trying to do something simple like concentrating on work at the office and not letting the mind chatter away. I was reading about fascination the other day, and I have also been incorporating that aspect into this...what I experience daily fits the description - basically that of there not being any awareness and thoughts being generated automatically. I have no shortage of thoughts (anybody want some? :-))
Most of the recurring things stem from the thoughts, but another one that is worth mentioning is the discomfort. I get it a lot. I feel weird; I wonder what others will think; I worry that I'm not aware; I worry that I am aware; I get concerned about if I'm going to be able to reach awareness at a particular moment, and so on. Pretty much the extremes, rather than the conscious approach to things. But this is how I've found it to be...this stuff is there, and I can pay attention to it or ignore it. It's still there.
The other interesting thing I noticed was how crafty the egos are. They have specific strategies they use to get me to identify with them. A common one is producing a strong resistance/emotion in my stomach that makes me feel like I just CAN'T come back. They also make me unable to sit still/restless, and then near the beginning of the fidgeting I lose it...though I usually notice it quickly. And they just generally make me tense up, so that I pay attention to that instead of to the moment. I have noticed though that I can actually still try, even while they're doing that - and I also noticed that they change strategies once I'm on to them, so they thrive on me being unaware of what's going on internally...
As far as work itself, it's kind of interesting - they've recently had me start learning something more specialized, and I'm not answering incoming phone calls...so it's a bit of a shift. I don't doubt there are more to come in the future...
Also, I wanted to thank every person who commented in the last blog. You gave me some great ideas :-)
I think this blog needs some color on it. I'll put a picture next time, I promise!
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Love the blogs Kevin, keep
Love the blogs Kevin, keep em coming. This topic on holding on to consciousness though work and just daily events is I think, probably a challenge for most of us.
I must admit I am having difficulties and its a little overwhelming in that the more I look, the more I see, and its like there is no end to this line up of enemies. Reading what you have written has given me ideas and strength. Thanks mate all the best with your fight.
Thanks Enilder. I wasn't
Thanks Enilder. I wasn't sure if I was going to freak people out with this one ;)
Just wanted to rally us all to hang in there. It all seems so daunting, and it is tricky, but endurance will get you through. Just keep going and going, no matter what you feel, and you'll see that it goes away. It is temporary. I'm sure this is written down everywhere, but it's really, really cool to actually see it work. It definitely does help develop willpower a bit.
My biggest obstacle is being realistic. I start to get through the egos and experience things, but then the mind comes in and starts imagining how I am going to tell people about it and how good it will sound and how well I'm doing, and then how badly I'm doing for thinking I'm doing well (the extremes again), and that kind of stuff. This is tough because it sounds justified to me...but I think what is important is to be realistic. If I fight through egos, I shouldn't pretend like I haven't done it, or that I haven't experienced anything. And at the same time, there is a lot more to experience, so there's no need to exaggerate to myself. Balance as always.
All the strength mate and thank you for your comment,
Kevin
I hope you do keep up with
I hope you do keep up with this blog, Kevin. I think a lot of people can relate and benefit from it.
I know what you mean about the strategies of the egos. Earlier today, I was in a state of panic trying to get something in on time. Looking back, I got several reminders to snap out of it. However, the reminders were being pushed down by different egos. I had an arsenal of subconscious excuses that gave me reasons for not having to listen to the reminders. Whereas, if I am just having a calm day, I take advantage of the reminders to get back in the moment.
At one point though, I did question the egos and thought, why can't I do all of this in awareness? I pushed a little harder and felt a lot of strength from it but was only able to sustain it for a few moments. However, the fact that those were the particular moments that I really remember as I look back on the day makes me glad that I had them.
Also, I know what you mean about the thoughts going back and forth about telling people that you're doing well, etc...That's a good point about just being realistic about things.
Finally, thanks for offering your extra thoughts but my mind is much too scattered to take on anymore ;)
Take care.
Aww, darn! I was hoping to
Aww, darn! I was hoping to offload some of them. I guess I will just have to clean house the hard way ;)
Take care Gabrielle,
Kevin
Hello Kevin, the mind
Hello Kevin, the mind chatter reminded me the following;
When I changed a few years back from busy lifestyle to a more relaxed one, the chattering got less as well. Back then I was busy working in a very busy city, sometimes that time I went to the rural areas, to do installation of hydro-power and chill out, etc., when being there after a 3 hour ride, then it was almost like egos were gone, the peace, the fresh smell, such a difference state of mind.
Also realised that when working relaxed, things get done with less mistakes and chatter.
In some way, a busy lifestyle is feeding egos. But there needs to be bread on the table:)
Good luck to you,
Peter
Hey Kevin, Good job on the
Hey Kevin,
Good job on the blog, it is pretty realistic.. I do relate to your observations a lot, these things are there and they can only be ignored for so long. The chattering, the strategies, the mystic pride, from one extreme to the other.. I find that even observations become fascinations, whatever it takes for the egos to be justified. At the end its just finding total awareness which matters, clearing the egos and remaining alert. As long as I know that I'm fulfilling this priority, then I know I'm not falling into justifications or fascination. Its a fine line to walk, and it is hard to keep up, but the work is hard, so at least we know we are working..
-looking forward to the colour next time.
Hi all, Just to let you know
Hi all,
Just to let you know that this blog has not died. I just had to take some pictures before writing again. I have them now and hope to get them shrunk down and ready for my next entry. Things have been tough, so I can't wait to write it.
Cheers,
Kevin