Dealing with hate

What I've done depends on the situation. Basically, I have to pay special attention to my thoughts, because those flare up the anger, and once they do, I find it very hard to go back to my original mood, the anger just spills over throughout the psyche.

Usually when someone is very angry with me, I'll just stay silent and try taking out the thoughts I mentioned. If some emotions are already appearing, I try to tackle that too. Otherwise I get pulled into it, and, even if I don't react, I'll spend hours debating the incident within, which is equally harmful. If I try to correct that person, I know I'm reacting with anger, even if it just us in the thoughts. I also can't calm that person down, because it is often connected with fear and/or pride, so I might introduce anger again. Basically, when raw anger is included, I try to do as little as possible. I let that person say their peace and then leave, because they have the right to do so. Then I can resolve the problem at a better time (altough sometimes it'll resolve on its own).

However, if there are no strong emotions, other approaches work. Sometimes I just explain my viewpoint to the other person, and continue dealing with them as if nothing had happened. This is actually quite effective. Yesterday, for example, a friend of mine told someone something I said, but completely out of the context (actually, if I watched what I was saying, I would avoid this situation altogether). Instead of giving my friend the silent treatment or shouting and throwing those thick law textbooks around (which would be quite fatal for everyone around me :-)), I simply explained to her what bothers me in that situation. OK, I was slightly annoyed, but I returned to complete awareness after a few minutes. Today she came and said she understood why I felt hurt (even though I wasn't really hurt, so we quickly resolved that). You see, this way you often get people thinking, as they do something wrong without realising it and feeling annoyed won't help the situation. With anger, I've found it is just an emotional statement that doesn't have any real "foundation".

Now, when someone's really mean to me and nothing else works, I try to keep in mind that not everyone has to like me and that life and how it works can't work according to what I feel to be right (this way of thinking is often the reason why I felt hurt in the past). That way I can take away a big chunk of food from anger and pride, and it is easier to fight for objectivity. The extreme measure is shutting that other person out, or having minimal contact with him/her (naturally, with no negativity from my part), because there are some people that will never understand where are you coming from and there is no way to maintain a healthy relationship, as there'll always be lies, gossip and mean actions. Naturally, I'll always analyse my actions carefully, otherwise egos often make me think I didn't do anything wrong, while I've really started the whole argument.

These are some descriptions of what I do in this situation, however, I can get hurt in so many ways, that it would take a huge tome to analyse every possibility. I hope that you can find something useful in this post.

Take care,

Hello Ahona and everyone,

To me it is like with every other ego - I have to be fully aware of what is happening in me right now before I can actually do something about it.

So if there is awareness in the present moment and I see anger or frustration starting to appear in my solar plexus, having had experienced it before and knowing at this point that any response would just feed it more, I tend to close my eyes even if I' am infront of someone or something that provoked those feelings, and pray asking for elimination of such a shameful attitude for me to have no matter what is the reason for which it appeared in the first place.

I do it untill it starts to go away, and if it is to strong I just turn away and keep on doing that no matter what people think about me. This action is the strongest weapon against anger, since I turn towards god and ask from the depth of my heart to help me be a human. Anger is an attitude from the animal kingdom needed for survival of many animal species.

I thought about it a lot too, and came to understand intellectually that for a human being there is not one single reason to be angry or frustrated at all at any thing and anyone. It helps.

One thing that helps me is to do what you did in your situation, Ahona, and just admit that I'm angry. Often, I will repress or ignore anger, even if I am using the death. My pride often gets in the way because I don't want to be an angry or mean person...so it's hard for me to see it when it's happening. Often, this results in being in a negative state all around and also tension in my face and body.

So, sometimes it helps me to just admit to myself that I'm really angry and why I am feeling that way, trying to be honest with myself. This gives me a moment to become detached in a way and see what I'm really feeling inside. It also allows me to deal with it a little better and use the death more effectively in the moments after.

I things improve for you soon

Hi
Thanks everyone :)
Blueorb, I am feeling much better! Thank you for the suggestion too, I would have tried it, but I dont want to risk replacing anger with another ego, I'd like to just get rid of it completely.

Gabrielle, you're quite right, just acknowledging my egos and why I am feeling the way I am seems to help a lot with getting over them! I've been trying to do that recently for nervousness, because I have just finished school and am launching myself into job-hunting, which is bringing up massive amounts of fear :(

Thanks Matija :)
Those are all important points! Especially the bit about not always expecting things to go our way and everyone to like us! I have a hard time with that.

Thanks Gyorgi!

Hi Ahona,

Once, when I was teenager, I got angry at my mother and slammed the door to her room with hate, killing Charly, our parrot. We all loved that bird so much and it was really like a small tragedy for all of us. Charly was so playful and inteligent, we treated it like a part of our family. My mother coudn't stop crying while holding the dying bird in her hands and still feeling its small heart beating for a few minutes or so. That's what she told me later.
I felt so sorry, wishing to do something to fix the situation, but it was just too late.
I coudn't give back life to Charly. I coudn't find the right words to justify my behavior to my family and to myself. There were no right words.
It took me some time to find back my place in this life.

When I get really angry, when I understand what's going on and can't stop it, if I am able to recall that or other similar experiences, it's like a bucket of cold water into my face.

It helps me to be aware and to deal with egos.

Vadim

I also recently just finished school and have just been through that whole job-hunting process for quite a few months before finally getting myself a job.

I know what that is like to feel the fear you speak of with all ofthat, but I have dealt with that personally through simply realising that, everything fades away and passes.

Material things, money, people, products, they all eventually disappear.

When you are in an awkward moment where you may have lots of nervous feelings, simply realising that any expectations that may be causing that fear, are those put upon yourself...by yourself.

Realising that the moment you are in will soon be gone and you will be looking back at it.

Recognizing all of these things at the time, often makes you suddenly just deal with the situation so much better...being nervous or worried, never helps us, it in fact makes the situation far worse, so by consciously ignoring it, you may find a change in the situation...a change for the better.

You have nothing to fear, you will see what I mean once you have the job...the fear will pass, so you may as well never have had it in the first place...but that's part of the process

Regarding anger, I have found, that even when someone is doing something completely stupid to really anger me, I realise...who am I to judge that action as being "wrong" or "stupid", because that is like automatically implying, that I am better, and that I know better than them, which I don't.

Also I have noticed that people secretly and subconsciously actually desire for you to get angry at times, sometimes without even knowing it.

If they do something and you get angry, they have gained something from that, because that is giving them attention for it, they have caused a reaction, they therefore feel more powerful, and they want to repeat their action, because people love to feel "better" than those around them.

It is much more difficult to remain calm, but a far better option if you want to prevent making mistakes.

Christ's quote: "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do", actually relates to this subject of dealing with anger and converting it to love, though I will let you decide how exactly...

I would also like to thank you so much for your email about Rabolu ;)
I am truly grateful

Stay strong!

You have so much power inside you, seek it...let it stand up and defeat all of your misery and low states that only gradually lead to ultimate decay...

You are not alone in this battle

Túrin

Good luck with finding a job, Ahona.

Turin, that's a great point about realizing that it all fades away. That helps me too in bad situation, when it comes to mind. It can bring on a feeling of relief.

I had a similar thought in a situation earlier this week. I started anticipating all of the bad situations to come and everything started to escalate in my mind. Then I thought about how it is just temporary and made the decision not to let it get the best of me this time. I was suprised by how much this reduced the magnitude of a bad situation.

My Experience:

Anger can sometimes be so strong and convincing that I can't see any solution except being angry and hate everyone and everyting. It goes to a point where, just as you say, it feels like there is no point in killing it because it will not do any good, I will only fail, etc.

What I have discovered is that if I´m attacked by the same ego over and over again and every time I try to kill it as much as possible I will become a bit stronger and it will be easier to die to it. The more I face the ego and try to do my best the stronger I get and finally I´m strong enough to defeat the ego and walk out of the battle like a winner. My own conclusion is that if I want to make fast progress and succeed in this work I must put myself into this kind of situations (face strong egos and difficult situations) voluntary. It´s a kind of voluntary torture.

The first couple of times the ego will defeat me and I will get very sad, perhaps have a bad conscience after something I did, or even cry. But the more I face it the stronger I get and then after I while I start to win the battles.

I know that Master Belzebuub talks about a type of inner resistance that we need to overcome and my experience is to do what I wrote above if I want to overcome it. I think it was in the "Secret knowledge, Hidden Wisdom" book he mentioned this.