Your Experiences

Observation Each Day Keeps the Fear Away

by Mike
Vancouver, Canada

For a few weeks I had been experiencing strange symptoms that could have been linked to a wide variety of medical conditions, both benign and serious. I had been to see a doctor and was sent to get blood tests, and I had to go back to the medical clinic to discuss the results. After arriving, I was asked to take a seat in the waiting area.

Once I sat down, I started to feel anxious and completely doomed. I began to think, “I wonder what the tests will find. I sure hope I don’t get diagnosed with …”

I got lost in this thinking for a bit and then I had an instant of self-awareness where I saw these thoughts and the anxiety as something separate from myself. I saw these thoughts and emotions almost as though they were happening to someone else – still from the perspective of my body, but completely detached from them. There I sat “in the moment” with a clear mind, with no worries, and genuinely at peace.

A couple of seconds later I began to worry again, “These could be the last few minutes I have to enjoy before being diagnosed with some serious condition.” The thoughts seemed very compelling and important, telling me, “It’s really important that I worry now!” And I started to get lost in this sort of reasoning with the anxiety returning as butterflies in my stomach and an uncomfortable tension in the muscles around my stomach. Again I had an instant of detachment, escaping from the thoughts, emotions and tension. Despite the potentially nerve-wracking scenario, I was existing completely free of negativity – the fear certainly wasn’t necessary. I continued to wait.

A doctor walked out of an office. I jerked my head quickly to look and once more felt a crippling anxiety fall upon me. Ouch! That fear had returned. But as the fear returned I knew the fear wasn’t me and I detached myself from it.

My entire time waiting to see the doctor went from feeling anxious to breaking free and then back to the anxiety. It was like I was sitting there and the anxiety’s manifestations buzzed around me like relentless mosquitoes that I had to fight off. Finally I got into the doctors office…

Again, a lot came up within me – this time some new breeds of mosquito. In the office, at points, I felt like I was in a great rush to get the results; I felt irritated that the doctor was so calm. When she finally explained the results, that the tests came back normal and my symptoms would likely clear up (hooray!), I wasn’t even being attentive to the rest of what she told me – a feeling of elation had replaced the anxiety. But this elation was again not really me and it was nothing in comparison to the peace I felt when self-aware.

This whole experience was a goldmine in observing myself. I saw how strong the efforts must be to truly live as myself, with peace, instead of through the swarms of anxieties, irritations, elations and other pests that try to control me.