Your Experiences

Gems of Self-Observation

by Noah
Halifax, Canada

Why am I so forgetful? I often look back over my entire day, and can only recall scattered fragments of what has happened, the rest remaining a distant, chaotic blur.

Why am I nicer to complete strangers than to the people I love and know best? I don’t hesitate to get into a shouting match with a close family member over some insignificant matter, yet when I am introduced to someone, I am so over-polite that my actions are insincere.

Looking deeper into my actions, I must admit that I often surprise myself with my low moral standards, like when I find myself telling white lies to exaggerate the excitement of a good story for a group of people – and yet, I take pride in being someone who is considered honest.

Why all this contradictory behavior? There are things I have done which I brag to my friends about, but I would be ashamed if my parents overheard. I will yell at my mother if she annoys me, but I would never consider raising my voice to my friend’s parents. I lose respect for someone when I see their anger getting the best of them, but not for myself when I surrender to fits of rage. Why are their outbursts never justified, but mine always are? Why these double standards?

I once made a resolution to put an end to my bad posture. I tried to remember to sit up straight, but whenever I was alone just sitting around the house, I would find myself slumped over, bending my back into some lazy posture, completely letting my resolution slide. And yet whenever formal company came for supper, I would be sitting up straight at every minute whether at the dinner table or in the living room. This shows that my manners are stronger than my willpower and that’s a serious problem. My “social training” is stronger than my self-motivation! It is as if I am being controlled by things outside of myself like a puppet moved by strings. I want to change this; I want to be the master of myself.

How should we interact with others? I don’t want to give the impression of being cold and selfishly uninterested in certain people but, on the other hand, I do not want to be gushy and pretend there is a relationship there that we just don’t have. There is a fine balance which must be found. Sometimes I am too shy to approach someone who interests me. Other times, I allow myself to be dragged into conversations with uninteresting characters who only want to shower me with complaints, negativity and inappropriate jokes as I bear it without speaking up against them. How backwards I am! I cannot bring myself to say “Yes” when I want to, or “No” when I really should. My weakness of willpower is illustrated further as I give into temptations even when I don’t want to and I know it is harmful to me, and I hide from fears even when logically I can see there is no real danger.

Why all this inner confusion? By observing myself, I have discovered the answers to these questions and dilemmas which were driving me crazy. I discovered that the international disharmony in the world and my own confused behavior are all indications of the disorder that exists inside of myself. The simple practice of self-observation, found in the Self-Discovery course, has taught me how to “watch myself” and discover the hidden defects of my subconscious; inner-states known as “egos”, like anger, fear, and selfishness, which are the sources of my contradictions.

Combining awareness and observation, I have had insights into why I react in certain ways. I have discovered that most of my anger is triggered by something I hear, and can catch it rising by focusing on that sense. By closing my eyes while I speak on the telephone, it becomes apparent when I am not using my usual voice. And watching how I move my body has shown me instances where I am “not acting like myself”. An example of this is how my movements become mechanical and awkward when I know someone is looking at me from a distance, and I become self-conscious. These are the gems of my self-observation and the fruits of my awareness. It has been a difficult work to uncover these jewels, but I do not regret the efforts I have made.