Searching for Something by Kevin

Gnosis is something relatively new in my life. I always felt a strange uneasiness growing up, but I didn't know for what reason or why. I was never attached to the things other people were, such as sports, learning about cars, watching American football, etc. I did have interests, such as computers and video games, but something was different; I just wasn't interested in a lot of the stuff most people did, such as going to parties or nightclubs. I didn't see the point. But I felt deep down that there must be a point in something.

As I was growing up, the world of the mystical and spiritual enlightenment were not things that I really had much desire to discover or access. In fact, I had pretty much renounced the Methodist religion. Maybe it was just a laziness to go to church, but I didn't really feel that it was contributing anything to me. The hymns seemed repetitive and lifeless and, for something that was supposed to give one a closer connection with God, I felt that it didn't; surely, I thought, he couldn't be invisible forever, and that there must be something really going on. I wasn't aware of this feeling at that time; I just knew that I wasn't getting anything spiritual out of attending church. In fact, from this I developed a negative feeling for the word spiritual, associating it with religion and seeing it as something I didn't want to have anything to do with.

I continued on in life, and I got deeply interested in computers and video games, to the point of being addicted to both (when I read about some of the symptoms of addiction from Gnosticweb's Self-Discovery course, I realized I had them). Even though I was not interested in religious aspects, I was always interested in psychic powers, the supernatural, etc, but never connected them with spirituality. I was also interested in non-Christian religions like Buddhism, perhaps because of the psychological truths they seemed to convey in their writings. Psychology was something that interested me as well, and I even had often felt that a textbook couldn't teach it. I felt that I could understand people just through observation better than psychologists, and still wondered how people could learn to be psychiatrists or psychologists that way.

Although interested in the supernatural, I still heard and mostly believed that you had to be born with the abilities, and that they were not something developed. Perhaps I developed this belief because most of the people that I knew couldn't do anything like that. Still, I kept an interest in the supernatural, and one day after transferring out of a school back to my hometown, I met someone who seemed to be very into all of these things and who was somewhat psychic as well. After talking with her online and subsequently in person, a very interesting chapter of my life began.

Suddenly a whole different world opened up: telekinesis, seeing auras, telepathy, Astral projection, energy manipulation. I researched various abilities through a myriad of sites and was surprised to see that most of them said that anyone could do it. This surprised me, and I started to try some things on and off. Still, all of these techniques I found were confusing and many would have required way too much effort on my part. I was just too attached to computers and video games to see the need or want to put in serious efforts with any practice.

So I went along into this world of psychic things and kept trying to Astral project without luck, until my friend told me that I was supposed to see things with my mind's eye (which turned out to be an entirely different thing to Astral projection as I know it now), in that I could be in the Astral and this dimension at the same time. It seemed to be working, so I went along with that too. It turned out that these particular techniques indirectly led me to channeling/mediumship. Knowing what I know now, that was a really bad decision as I opened up my body to all kinds of entities, whether they were elements of my own negativity (egos) or outside negative influences.

All this time I felt I had really found something which would be the genuine, unique, and real methods to work for me. After all, what I was learning from my friend wasn't anything like I heard before. What seem now rather vague correlations between other texts such as the Bible or online quotes, and what I was learning from her, were enough to convince me it was real. Eventually, though, I felt it started getting out of hand - in other words almost anything could be associated and linked with these supernatural events to support their reality.

Along the way I had signed up for the Gnosticweb courses, and gone through them mostly reading and taking what matched with my beliefs, or what I could ‘associate' with what I already knew from talking with my friend. I overlooked a lot of the information, because if I had tried out most of it, I would have stopped my channeling activities and all associated things right away. Nonetheless, what I learned did help to spark my interest in spiritual matters more. I kept going as I was for then, still convinced of going the right way.

Then it happened that on one of the later Gnosticweb courses I was taking, I was on vacation and was removed from the course, since it had requirements. The second time I registered, there was a complication and my record was somehow lost. I then entered a period where I didn't come to Gnosticweb for a while, but something drew me back eventually, if not just a desire to finish what I started, and I decided to restart the courses. When I did, I went through without even reading half of the material (after all, I already ‘knew' it), but at some point within the Searching Within course, I decided to begin keeping up with the material and surprisingly rediscovered that the weekly topics were quite inspiring and useful, even to read a second time. Still, however, I didn't put in the efforts I needed in order to get what I didn't even know I wanted.

Around that time, things with my friend were starting to fall apart. I didn't want to believe it when a boy we knew, but didn't really get along with, said that our projections and experiences were fake or that the whole idea was like a game and that another girl had even done a test to see if it was real and that the test had proven that the experiences were not real. I felt he was only saying it to feed his own pride ,so I didn't pay any attention. However, when certain suspicious events seemed to start occurring in the place where my friend had taught me to Astral project (in the way she knew it) to, which were too unbelievable at that point for me to swallow, I really started to become disillusioned and began questioning things anew. It was even more peculiar that when I suggested Revolutionary Psychology (a book on spiritual psychology written by Samael Aun Weor that I received from the course, available on this site), she didn't seem to appreciate it as much as I'd thought she would. I recall her saying that the author was simply complaining about humanity. Considering I had found the book very insightful, and thought that our interests were pretty similar, this was surprising.

An amazing and vivid spontaneous Astral experience changed everything, especially my lack of efforts.

After the experience, which came about specifically when I applied the techniques I learned at Gnosticweb, I was determined to make it happen again. I took the time to re-read every lecture and started to piece together a schedule, determined to do what was necessary to develop the skills for Astral projection. In reading the lectures, I found valuable information that I had simply missed. I also looked over the lectures from the Journey to Enlightenment course I had saved from the first time and put those into practice. In fact, I took up the the spiritual work because I wanted to Astral project better! Only after did I realize there was a lot more to it than Astral projection, so I began to work for that too - gradually. It was not too long afterward that I began to become alienated from the rest of the group of friends, as our interests seemed to be becoming increasingly different now. The conversations after that were not much more than arguments; when trying to help, I made several mistakes, like getting angry, because of a lack of understanding of my own psychology. I had been trying to deal with the situations properly, as taught on the site, but I didn't have enough experience or understanding to do so properly.

I have always considered myself to be a rather normal person in light of so many people with a rich spiritual history of amazing experiences, like communicating with ghosts or a talent for lucid dreams. Nonetheless, I found that what I learned at Gnosticweb - and true spirituality in itself - is possible to achieve for anyone who puts in the work to achieve it. Astral projection is in fact not something that one has to be born with the ability to do, because we go to the Astral each night to dream. I know this from experience now, which has changed my view of spirituality entirely. I also learned how to break the addictions to computers and video games I had, how to change my life to be more conducive spiritually, and I learned to differentiate between spirituality and religion. I wish everyone had and wanted this opportunity.

I never expected to strive to become a ‘spiritual' person or to be trying to change the way I think, feel and act. Nonetheless, something within me must have been searching for the information on how to do it - and so without even knowing that I was looking, I finally found the opportunity. It's the best discovery I've made!

Kevin

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