Your Experiences

That Sense of Being Alive

by Vadim
Montreal, Canada

"Such a beautiful day," - this thought came to me and occupied my whole attention.

After all, summer had come and all the signs of winter were gone and replaced by the warmth of the sun, joyful songs of birds, the bright green color of trees, pleasant smells of awakened nature, as I was doing my walk to practice being aware, in the park.

At that time, an internal battle was going on inside me. I strived to be aware, but couldn't get it right.

Reflecting on it, I had decided to experiment with different things instead of my usual walking around and "trying to be aware" for a certain period of time.

I decided be more active in my search for inner peace!

So I did a variety of light physical exercises, trying to focus on them. Then I made an attempt to be aware for short periods of time, following easy goals: by walking to a tree about 30 meters ahead of me trying to stay in the present moment, then repeating it with another tree and so on, until my mind became clear. Besides that, I tried to do short concentration practices, focusing on just one of my senses, for example, concentrating on looking at something. During these practices, I kept feeling my muscles, mostly in my face, relaxing them again and again and often repeating a prayer for help.

I tried many things and my psychological state was getting better, but still something was missing. Finally I had to go and do some things at home, so I had to leave the park. But on my way back home, still trying to be aware, suddenly awareness found me by itself.

It felt like entering a room full of light and becoming one with it, still remaining myself.

Awareness put a new light on my obstacles, so that I was able to be in the present moment right away. "Why should I tense up automatically, always hiding my true feelings from others? Why can't I understand that awareness is outside of my mind and all my ideas about it?"

As I relaxed well, as I detached myself from all my thoughts and all my feelings and became very attentive of everything I could perceive, my senses seemed to reopen.

It was unusual to look and to actually see, letting the world around me be perceived normally, simply as it is, without any filters and releasing my "armor" of tension.

It was incredible to simply see with my eyes, instead of looking mechanically and "being somewhere else," fascinated by thoughts, which had "made enough sense" for me to go along with them.

"Such a beautiful day!" - yes, I could clearly see it now and feel its beauty.

A very sharp sense of being alive permeated me. I felted like I was born for the second time in one life. Unfortunately, I failed to stay in this state for a long period of time.

Sometimes, when it is very hard for me, I remember experiences like this and they help me with my efforts to break through my obstacles, reaching forward to that sense of being alive - awareness.